My daughter called me a few minutes ago on her way home from her first massage. She’s ticklish - I mean she’s REALLY ticklish - and for 20 years she has been convinced that a massage would be torture. This week, she booked an appointment and took the plunge. As we all know, it was “the best thing that ever happened to me!” She was in the moment, happy to be there, and ready to extend a little self-indulgence through the rest of her Saturday.

Relaxation is a magical thing. It’s not easy to go there, but it’s so worth it. Stress takes its toll on our bodies. The idea that stress makes us more susceptible to disease and other physiological ailments isn’t debated any longer. It’s a fact.

If you’re in the environment of high achievement, you experience more stress than most people. You may have more money, but you also have more stuff, and stuff needs to be managed, or the people who manage it for you need to be managed. You may have more “freedom” from the drudgery of life, but your travel and social schedules are bordering on chaotic with so many options to choose from. And, as some of my clients tell me, there’s always an underlying feeling that life should be more enjoyable than it is. With so much to be grateful for, they wonder, “why am I not happier?”

Oftentimes, partners of high achievers become support staff. You know that the rest of the world thinks you’re a pampered princess, but you actually resemble something closer to a mix between a personal assistant and a project manager. One of the top complaints I hear from people I work with is that their lives are out-of-control complicated.

Relaxation is essential. Not just the quickie day spa kind, either. I’m talking about a re-connection to really simple things. Take it out of the realm of “if only” and make some choices to take care of yourself.

What exactly is it that’s so cool about being a Biker Babe? This book will show you how to rev up your SheBiker energy to become a part of the philosophic and spiritual revolution of women in the Biker Age.

Buy it here

Book Review of Kickstart: A Cosmic Biker Babe’s Guide to Life and Changing the Planet by Carol Setters (Newburyport, MA: Conari Press

Amy Ruth Tobol

When I fell in love with motorcycles and made the decision to learn to ride, I knew no women riders. I found out about women bikers by surfing the Internet. Some of the images I came across I had expected, that is, barely dressed buxom babes riding on the back of bikes. I expected these images because I came of age in the sixties and seventies when the phrase “women and motorcycles” meant women who were “fast” (i.e. promiscuous). They rode on the backs of motorcycles driven my macho, beer drinking bearded men whose lives seem to revolve around bars, brawls, and booty. I knew nothing about Bessie Springfield, or Dot Robinson, or any of the other women motorcyclists who rode in the front. What I knew about motorcycles growing up had nothing to do with me; I was female, a good girl, and destined for “better” things.

What I also discovered on the Internet, however, was that real women ride motorcycles, too. Other Internet images, and my discovery of the Sirens, provided me with different possibilities. These women represented the possibility that even if riding a motorcycle meant I’d be a “gender traitor” (Jones 89) that would be something to be proud of. They represented the realization of the kind of power, independence, and freedom that the women’s movement of the sixties and seventies had promised. They are the “shebikers” that Carol Setters chooses as her metaphor for liberation in her recently published self-help book, Kickstart: A Cosmic Biker Babe’s Guide to Life and Changing the Planet.

For Setters, the images of “shebiker” and “cosmic biker babe” capture the spirit and core of her approach to self-actualization and liberation: it takes courage to buck tradition and be yourself. Setters’s message may very well be aimed at women in the baby boomer generation who have occupied a difficult place in the evolution of gender roles. Many of us, particularly those from middle-class and white communities, who came of age in the sixties and seventies have straddled traditional gender roles of the fifties and the new ideas about gender of the eighties, nineties and beyond. Many of us can relate to Setters’s stories of women who have submerged their selves in dangerous, exhausting, or unsatisfying lives. Setters challenges us to embrace the “shebiker” within: “A person unafraid to take on the danger of being out there in the world with nothing but her will to survive and the ability to endure the ridicule of being different” (3). Embracing an authentic life, according to Setters, also means escaping from the “Land of the Consumer Zombies” in order to “love the world into a saving grace” (80). Living the lives we were meant to live can help save the world.

Possibly even more important than the advice Setters offers to women is her use of “shebiker” and “cosmic biker babe” as metaphors in celebration of being different, that is, strong, powerful, free women. Women motorcyclists, even more than male motorcyclists, have personified the courage of being different, of breaking out of traditional gender roles and expectations (see, for example, Ferrar). Until fairly recently, popular cultural images have created and perpetuated the notion that the only seat for aspiring female motorcyclists was on the back. Films such as The Wild One (1954), The Wild Angels (1966), The Cycle Savages (1969)and Easy Rider (1969) epitomize this representation.

More recent representations of women motorcyclists such as the “shebiker” of Kickstart are a significant departure from the past. Sasha Mullins’s “bikerlady” or Samantha Hatch’s “bikerbabe” website, where to be called a “bikerbabe” is a mark of respect, reflects these changes. Concurrently, there has been an explosion of travelogues, personal nonfiction and websites also written by women and celebrating the real lives of women motorcyclists (see Larsen, Dicks, Pierson, www.cyclewoman.com). Academic studies of real women motorcyclists energize these images by validating the confidence, sense of freedom, and control over life that riding a motorcycle can generate (McDonald-Walker, Jones).

Within this larger context, Setters’s “shebiker” is not simply a self-help book for self-actualization, but also a contribution to the growing stable of positive images of women motorcyclists. As Setters illustrates, positive representations of women motorcyclists can be powerful and transformative metaphors for women stuck in uncomfortable lives. Whether the advice Setters offers leads to learning to ride a motorcycle, ditching a destructive relationship, or changing jobs, any avenue that will encourage women to lead more authentic lives and “love the world into a saving grace” (80) is to be applauded.

Works Cited

Cyclewoman.
Dicks, Shirley. Women Who Ride Motorcyles. Lincoln, NE: Writers Club Press, 2002.
Ferrar, Anne. Hear Me Roar: Women, Motorcycles and the Rapture of the Road. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press, 1996.
Hatch, Samantha Ghislaine. Biker Babe.
Jones, Barbara. Bike Lust: Harleys, Women and American Society. Madison, WI: University of Wisconsin Press, 2001.
Larsen, Karen. Breaking the Limit: One Woman’s Motorcycle Journey Through North America. New York, NY: Hyperion, 2004.
McDonald-Walker, Suzanne. Bikers: Culture, Politics and Power. Oxford, England: Berg Publishers, 2000.
Mullins, Sasha. Bikerlady: Living and Riding Free! Secaucus, NJ: Citadel Press, 2003.
Pierson, Melissa Holbrook. The Perfect Vehicle: What It Is About Motorcycles. New York, NY: W.W. Norton, 1998.

I don’t feel one way or the other about Paris Hilton, mostly because I try not to form opinions about people whose lives are sliced and diced for public entertainment, or what passes for that.   But the reason I am using her as a role model is that she epitomizes Cosmic Rule #52 (below).  She’s famous because she’s famous.  We value her (in some strange way) because she expects that we should.

I recognize that people of privilege, whether it’s a hotel heiress or a Senior VP of a company, develop a cushion from real consequences so they don’t have a lot of the feedback from others that the rest of us do.  Indeed, their lookers-on endorse their superpowers by agreeing that they’re above the fray of the great unwashed.

If you’ve ever been treated differently because you have more money than most or you’re in a position to hold power over others, you’ll know that it’s the most seductive pull in the world to go along with it, even if you can’t justify it. But looking at someone like Paris Hilton goes to show just how that power is created, and to a certain extent, it’s the very opposite of what your mother told you.

Cosmic Rule #52: Your ability to utilize your personal value in the world is directly proportional to your ability to project it to others. If you are waiting for someone else’s agreement or permission before you believe you’re worthwhile, you’re at the wrong end of the equation.

I’m not saying you should fake it till you make it. This isn’t about smoke and mirrors. (Although that’s a good example of how this Rule operates.) If you’re sane and reasonable, you realize that, unless you have some artificially stand-alone measurement for value (such as being wealthy) your value is based on what you are that adds value to the planet. That could be anything from being a loyal friend to having an answer for eradicating world hunger.

The issue is that, while many people wait for someone else to provide their value rating for them, the Cosmic Rule implies that you’re the one who is supposed to be projecting that into the world. Therein lies the reason why many fabulous people never get their due. They’re waiting for someone else to mobilize that power for them.

Interestingly enough, the way most women are taught to elicit this sort of value rating from others is a real back-door move. While feigning humility, their focus is still about ME - how do I look? do you like me? - and that’s not exactly a humble attitude, if one defines humility as a true assessment of one’s place in the greater scheme of things.

In order to become a valuable player in society and actualize the true innate talents we were born with or have formed through adversity or insight, we have to provide a calling card of what people should expect when they interact with us. If we can’t provide a realistic assessment of that, unencumbered by false humility or lack of courage, then we’re constantly hobbled by whatever assessment happens to bestow itself upon us at the moment.

Paris Hilton should provide a good example. Maybe she’s a fabulous person whose true worth is so powerful that it’s emanating through the air waves and that’s why everyone is so fascinated with her. More likely, she stands as a good illustration of the Cosmic Rule. Don’t wait around for someone else to tell you how fabulous you are. You know how fabulous you are. Now get out there and make a difference with it.

I often work with top-tier male colleagues who are executive coaches. We work together when a client wants to share the skill set we’ve been working on with her husband, or to establish a foundation of awareness and trust to move forward in the relationship. During the time we spend with the clients, the male coach and I don’t assign ourselves to the same gender person in the couple, but when we are discussing the couple’s issues, we often find ourselves relating to them that way.

Although we work very hard not to be “gender biased” and are reluctant to assume any particular dynamic based on gender, it’s dangerous to discount how gender does create certain beliefs and behaviors. If not in nature, then most definitely by social patterning.

Dr. Betty Carter is one of the best marriage therapists in the US whose legacy includes an important effort called the Women’s Project, a feminist perspective of gender and ethnic inequalities as it applied to the field of family counseling. Dr. Carter was interviewed in Psychology Today a number of years ago (It’s still a relevant and interesting article) and had this to say:

“The central struggle for every couple is handling differences. Boys learn about hierarchy from day one. They understand that that the guy with the most power wins. Girls are taught to be nice. Nice people don’t learn to negotiate, they learn to give in.”

Are you “giving in?” What kind of tools do you have for maintaining your position in difficult issues in your relationship? Can you talk cleanly and be heard? Do you get “run over” by the sharp negotiating skills of your partner?

It’s important to realize that your partner is not choosing the unequal dynamic any more than you are. He doesn’t wake up every morning and look for ways to dominate you. With the right skills, you can both learn to develop an equal platform from which to resolve difficult and awkward issues.

Everyone seems fascinated by how “the other half lives” but it’s not that simple. This work is a little niche subset of relationship coaching, but it’s specific to the dynamics at play between two people when ambition, wealth, power, and all that comes with success, are in the mix. The profile of the woman I work with is usually a high achiever herself, but she’s found that the chaotic, brilliant energy that comes from her significant other has become more than she can handle.

She struggles to hang on to her identity at yet another dinner where she’s become marginalized because everyone there wants something from her husband and they only look at him when they talk. She needs to discuss things with him at the end of the day, but he’s just come from ten hours of intense engagement with his career, and before she gets through her first sentence, she gets that sinking feeling that he isn’t listening again. She’d secretly like to start her own business or return to school to finish her master’s but she knows that it would make things so difficult in an already chaotic life.

She walks on egg shells when he’s putting everything at risk for another “big deal.” She spends a ridiculous amount of money on a pair of shoes and feels guilty that her lifestyle doesn’t make her feel as happy or grateful as she thinks she should be. And unless she has a trusted friend who is either in the same boat or can handle the context without thinking she’s spoiled beyond belief, most of this never gets shared because everyone thinks she “has it made.” How could she possibly complain about anything?

I don’t go into that kind of detail in cocktail party discussions.  Unless you’ve lived it, it does sound like a manufactured set of issues. I mean honestly, who would call those real problems?

I would. Because I’ve lived them.  Until a woman and her partner really look at the enormous and sometimes toxic energy of money and power, until they can stay grounded when everyone around them is manipulating them with flattery, and until they find their way in the midst of an unbelievable number of choices, it can be overwhelming to live a normal life or enjoy a great relationship.

But when it’s handled with grace and clarity, a woman can utilize these privileges to create some real momentum in her own vision of what life can be.  She doesn’t have to follow anyone else’s idea of what she should do to change the world.  Good fortune can be carefully considered and enjoyed in a way that leaves a legacy of style and purpose that is uniquely her own.  That’s where I come in.  I walk with her until she can find her own path.

1. They’d become dependent on outside sources to tell them how to live - the media, the slick marketing of businesses catering to status conscious individuals, and a life too full of distractions to realize that it had been a long time since they’d stopped and discussed where they were going in their lives.

2. Their communication skills hadn’t kept up with the increasing complexity of their lives. When Randi and Steve first married, their life together was much simpler than it is today. They’d accepted all sorts of changes without really discussing them - more possessions that had to be maintained and managed, a busier travel schedule, and other choices and options that money created which might have had a smaller return on human investment than they realized.

3. For Randi, the biggest issue is that she had always been taught to be agreeable to others, although when she felt the weight of that burden, Steve would be the first to tell you that she was anything but agreeable.

With good support and not a small amount of humor, Randi challenged the opinion she carried which said that, unless she was making everyone else happy by saying “yes” all the time, she was not as nice as she should be.

Randi spent the next few months reframing her reactions of guilt and fear to arrive at a place where she could confidently and calmly say “no.” It took time for her to get to that place in the moment, but after some successful experiences, the momentum carried her forward.

The real treat was seeing Randi get excited as she developed her own identity and life plan to where she had good reasons to create boundaries around what she would and wouldn’t do for others. Once she had a clear idea of who she was and what she wanted to explore and express in her own life, her choices became more consistent. It was only a matter of time before she and Steve were able to become more aware of what they expected from one another. When that occurred, the resentment and misunderstandings between them shifted into a more intimate, more honest relationship.

Randi also had difficulty believing she had much choice in whether she spent her days responding to the mundane chores in their lives. But she began to realize that, unless she made the effort to understand what she wanted to do instead, she couldn’t very well expect Steve to figure it out for her.

But most importantly, Randi had to reframe what it meant to say “no”. To her, it meant creating a conflict. Getting angry was the only way she knew how to energize herself to take the risk of denying someone their request. Instead, she had to learn how to believe she had the right to say no calmly and graciously, without needing the approval of the other person.

Day Three

Randi started our first conversation by saying she wished she had more time in the day. She was disorganized, she told me. She couldn’t say no when asked to participate in various organizations. But she reported that the biggest issue in her time management struggle was how her husband expected her to take care of everything in their lives that didn’t have to do with his career. Some of her duties were even attached to his career - for example, every year she organized several fund raiser or corporate events for which her husband received kudos and thanks.

“He actually thinks I play tennis all day,” she told me. “I’m running around like a madwoman trying to keep this ridiculously complicated life in order, and he’ll come home and say, ‘Did you actually do anything today?’

Randi struggles with a problem that is common in many relationships. Recently a study by the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research shows that women still lead men in domestic duties, and the discrepancy becomes worse when children are in the household.

But in a high achieving marriage, that discrepancy is fueled by an often-unspoken assumption by both parties that, because he is bringing in a substantial income and she may not have to work, her personal agenda (which might include a paid job) plays second to her duties of being part of his “support staff.” This is the way he has it set up at work and it often defaults to his role at home. At work, he rarely engages in activities such as faxing a document or ordering in lunch for a meeting. His duties are clearly delineated from the support duties that another paid employee performs. But this isn’t a clear-cut decision between Randi and her husband when it comes to who performs what role at home. That’s where the confusion comes in.

“I wish I had all the time she does during the day,” her husband told me during a conversation. “She can do whatever she wants. She has no idea what kind of pressure I deal with on a daily basis in my career.” Clearly, both parties needed to come together for a reality check on what they felt was an uneven workload in their lives.

Day Two