Relationships

Today, a client told me that the bank called to talk to her husband.  When she asked why they were calling, she found out it was a question about her business account, not his.  When she asked why they wanted to talk to her husband instead of her, she found out that they had him listed as “CEO/President” - which he was, but for a different company, and they had her listed as HW, which apparently stands for “housewife”, although she was the owner of the business.

“I can’t get rid of the comparisons.  They’re always there,” she said.  She took time off to raise kids, and he plowed ahead with his career.  So naturally, who has more career development at this stage?

If you are an ambitious individual,  the urge to measure your own success against your partner’s is hard to resist if he or she is doing better than you. But ultimately, it’s a focus in the wrong direction.  Here are a few tips on transcending the comparison game.

1.  His career is not the point. Your focus, your ambition, your goals, are the point.

What if you weren’t in a relationship with this person?  Would he still be someone you would compare yourself to? Significant others are an arbitrary measurement for how we’re doing.  Use more relevant metrics to gauge your success.  Where are you in terms of your projected goals?  How is your satisfaction for what you’re doing today?

2.  Even the best people in the world are still tripped up by stereotypes.  Don’t read anymore into it than that.

Forgive the waitress who gives the check to your tough-luck brother, even though you’re the one who always pays when you have lunch together.   People aren’t awake as they should be.  So what.  Lead by example.

3.  Stay focused.  Choose where to put your energy and thoughts.

You could probably come up with a number of  unfair advantages your partner has over you in the business world.  But is that really where you want to spend your time?

Your relationship is about collaboration, not competition.  You’re there to support and receive support, not compare.  If you find that you have a lot of energy lately that he or she is doing better than you in career endeavors, then you have issues to deal with but not with them.  This person is your refuge, your energizer, your lover.  Don’t make him or her a poster child for your insecurities about your own career.

If he is, you are probably noticing that his company may only be concerned with how his life will be affected by this milestone event. I’ve had clients tell me that their husbands’ companies set him up with retirement coaches, therapists, financial planners, and even fitness/nutrition experts, but no one offered guidance or support for what was about to happen to her.

I’ve also heard more than once from a high achieving spouse that the year after their husband retired was the most stressful year of their marriage, and that they barely made it through without divorcing. Consider how a high achieving career sets up this disaster:

1. He has worked 80 hours a week for years, or has spent so much time in the corporate jet flying all over the world, that his best - and often only- real friend is you.

2. His identity is completely attached to his career, and when that’s gone, he’ll start a Venture Capital group, or join one with other displaced retirees, but he’s out of the game now and has no compelling value in the marketplace. That value is what he’s been basing his own self-worth on for years.

3. He may have been sick of it and he may long to play golf, but he will struggle with how to replace the drive that was provided by his career. Once he’s no longer urgently needed, why get up in the morning?

You, on the other hand, might have complained about his absence during the years your children were around, but now that you’re free to do your own thing, his sudden change in purpose and schedule is going to turn your world upside down. Consider the following:

1. Have you been thinking about or have you already started a new business venture or college degree now that the kids are gone? What happens to your own career when he wants to take off and see the world?

2. Are you used to setting your own schedule? Now that he’s home, he’ll want to be included more than before. If he has no idea what to do with himself, or has lost most of his social connections over the years, he may rely on you more than ever to help him fill his days.

3. Unless you’ve both been crystal clear about your “support” activities in your relationship, he may turn to you for fulfilling those administrative duties that a company admin once performed. Are you prepared to set boundaries - daily, if necessary - without conflict until the two of you figure this out?

Navigating this transition can be difficult, but it can be fatal if good communication skills and clear thinking aren’t incorporated into the mix. Contact Carol to set up a consultation call.

Relationships with high achievers aren’t easy. There’s always a lot of stress, a lot of instability, and very little time for each other. Even in good times it can be tough, but when an bad argument erupts or something else happens that leaves the two of you hurting, you may have more difficulty coming back together because your life doesn’t allow room for the healing to occur.

If you know what to do, you can step in quickly and facilitate that healing when your relationship goes into distress. Here’s how you can lead the way.

1. Stay detached from the challenges you’re dealing with. They aren’t you, or your beloved, they’re issues. Take one of the pillows off the couch and throw it into the middle of the room, and pretend that it’s the issue. Now the two of you can stand there and look at it, apart from yourselves. Hmmm. There’s that pesky issue. What are we going to do about that issue? Collaborate, don’t blame. Be curious, not defensive. You’re still accountable for what you’ve done, and one or both of you may still need to make amends, but at the core, you’re still the same people. You know, the ones who fell in love with each other once.

2. Make room for another point of view. Take responsibility for seeing things the way you do. For example, the statement “When you do that, I make up a story in my mind that you’re ignoring me” respects the fact that you could be misreading his actions, as opposed to “you’re ignoring me.” Give him the space to tell you what is going on with him when the conflict arises.

3. Remind each other of what your relationship will be when things get back to an even keel. It would be best if you could both describe that vision, but at least one of you should be clear about it at any given time. Who are you as a couple? What is your relationship going to look like in five, ten, twenty years? That should be driving your daily life together anyway but it’s imperative to have that vision defined when you’re hurt and confused.

4. Commit to making it work. Don’t decide to commit if it works. That won’t give you enough energy to get anything accomplished. Commitment is everything.

5. In my experience as well as what I’ve learned from working with others, I’ve found that sex can be a great unifier in times of stress. It doesn’t always have to be a reflection of your relationship at the moment. There is great value in getting your relationship out of your heads and into your bodies. A physical connection can do wonders when you aren’t connecting very well otherwise.

I often work with top-tier male colleagues who are executive coaches. We work together when a client wants to share the skill set we’ve been working on with her husband, or to establish a foundation of awareness and trust to move forward in the relationship. During the time we spend with the clients, the male coach and I don’t assign ourselves to the same gender person in the couple, but when we are discussing the couple’s issues, we often find ourselves relating to them that way.

Although we work very hard not to be “gender biased” and are reluctant to assume any particular dynamic based on gender, it’s dangerous to discount how gender does create certain beliefs and behaviors. If not in nature, then most definitely by social patterning.

Dr. Betty Carter is one of the best marriage therapists in the US whose legacy includes an important effort called the Women’s Project, a feminist perspective of gender and ethnic inequalities as it applied to the field of family counseling. Dr. Carter was interviewed in Psychology Today a number of years ago (It’s still a relevant and interesting article) and had this to say:

“The central struggle for every couple is handling differences. Boys learn about hierarchy from day one. They understand that that the guy with the most power wins. Girls are taught to be nice. Nice people don’t learn to negotiate, they learn to give in.”

Are you “giving in?” What kind of tools do you have for maintaining your position in difficult issues in your relationship? Can you talk cleanly and be heard? Do you get “run over” by the sharp negotiating skills of your partner?

It’s important to realize that your partner is not choosing the unequal dynamic any more than you are. He doesn’t wake up every morning and look for ways to dominate you. With the right skills, you can both learn to develop an equal platform from which to resolve difficult and awkward issues.