My colleague Kaley Warner Klemp is an organizational consultant who works with high achievers and their partners. When she consults with partners who are losing their identities to the dynamics of ambition and success, she encourages them to set boundaries by beginning with something that isn’t too overwhelming. “I typically work with them on speaking small truths,” Kaley says. “A lot of women have a difficult time both asking for what they want and setting boundaries, particularly in saying no. I work with them on saying no to small things that they can sustain to help build some energy. After a while, that message – ‘I am also important here, therefore, I won’t do that’ - begins to come through in bigger ways.”
We see a lot of partners of high achievers who have lost their ability to say no. But you can’t entirely blame an ambitious, driven mate for this decline in a partner’s self-determination. It’s also about slowly deferring to the focused, disciplined energy of someone who knows what they want. Women, especially, have spent so many years fulfilling others’ needs that they often come up blank when they’re asked what they want. They really don’t know. Or they remember what they used to want, but it’s been a long time since they visited that question.
It doesn’t require conflict to regain self-confidence and self-determination; it requires a calm belief that is communicated to others. Like Kaley says, starting with little steps leads to a bigger belief.
Of course, this issue happens with high achievers, too. Either way, commitment to change can start the shift to becoming a more powerful person.
