Relationships with high achievers aren’t easy. There’s always a lot of stress, a lot of instability, and very little time for each other. Even in good times it can be tough, but when an bad argument erupts or something else happens that leaves the two of you hurting, you may have more difficulty coming back together because your life doesn’t allow room for the healing to occur.
If you know what to do, you can step in quickly and facilitate that healing when your relationship goes into distress. Here’s how you can lead the way.
1. Stay detached from the challenges you’re dealing with. They aren’t you, or your beloved, they’re issues. Take one of the pillows off the couch and throw it into the middle of the room, and pretend that it’s the issue. Now the two of you can stand there and look at it, apart from yourselves. Hmmm. There’s that pesky issue. What are we going to do about that issue? Collaborate, don’t blame. Be curious, not defensive. You’re still accountable for what you’ve done, and one or both of you may still need to make amends, but at the core, you’re still the same people. You know, the ones who fell in love with each other once.
2. Make room for another point of view. Take responsibility for seeing things the way you do. For example, the statement “When you do that, I make up a story in my mind that you’re ignoring me” respects the fact that you could be misreading his actions, as opposed to “you’re ignoring me.” Give him the space to tell you what is going on with him when the conflict arises.
3. Remind each other of what your relationship will be when things get back to an even keel. It would be best if you could both describe that vision, but at least one of you should be clear about it at any given time. Who are you as a couple? What is your relationship going to look like in five, ten, twenty years? That should be driving your daily life together anyway but it’s imperative to have that vision defined when you’re hurt and confused.
4. Commit to making it work. Don’t decide to commit if it works. That won’t give you enough energy to get anything accomplished. Commitment is everything.
5. In my experience as well as what I’ve learned from working with others, I’ve found that sex can be a great unifier in times of stress. It doesn’t always have to be a reflection of your relationship at the moment. There is great value in getting your relationship out of your heads and into your bodies. A physical connection can do wonders when you aren’t connecting very well otherwise.
