I often work with top-tier male colleagues who are executive coaches. We work together when a client wants to share the skill set we’ve been working on with her husband, or to establish a foundation of awareness and trust to move forward in the relationship. During the time we spend with the clients, the male coach and I don’t assign ourselves to the same gender person in the couple, but when we are discussing the couple’s issues, we often find ourselves relating to them that way.
Although we work very hard not to be “gender biased” and are reluctant to assume any particular dynamic based on gender, it’s dangerous to discount how gender does create certain beliefs and behaviors. If not in nature, then most definitely by social patterning.
Dr. Betty Carter is one of the best marriage therapists in the US whose legacy includes an important effort called the Women’s Project, a feminist perspective of gender and ethnic inequalities as it applied to the field of family counseling. Dr. Carter was interviewed in Psychology Today a number of years ago (It’s still a relevant and interesting article) and had this to say:
“The central struggle for every couple is handling differences. Boys learn about hierarchy from day one. They understand that that the guy with the most power wins. Girls are taught to be nice. Nice people don’t learn to negotiate, they learn to give in.”
Are you “giving in?” What kind of tools do you have for maintaining your position in difficult issues in your relationship? Can you talk cleanly and be heard? Do you get “run over” by the sharp negotiating skills of your partner?
It’s important to realize that your partner is not choosing the unequal dynamic any more than you are. He doesn’t wake up every morning and look for ways to dominate you. With the right skills, you can both learn to develop an equal platform from which to resolve difficult and awkward issues.
