by Carol on April 27, 2008
When people ask me what I do, I have to pause and consider how much time we have to talk about it. Typically, after I give them the short answer - I consult with women who are in relationships with high achievers - their eyes widen and they lean forward, staring intently as if my face had just broken out in stripes or polka dots. “Really?” they ask incredulously. “Give me an example…”
Everyone seems fascinated by how “the other half lives” but it’s not that simple. This work is a little niche subset of relationship coaching, but it’s specific to the dynamics at play between two people when ambition, wealth, power, and all that comes with success, are in the mix. The profile of the woman I work with is usually a high achiever herself, but she’s found that the chaotic, brilliant energy that comes from her significant other has become more than she can handle.
She struggles to hang on to her identity at yet another dinner where she’s become marginalized because everyone there wants something from her husband and they only look at him when they talk. She needs to discuss things with him at the end of the day, but he’s just come from ten hours of intense engagement with his career, and before she gets through her first sentence, she gets that sinking feeling that he isn’t listening again. She’d secretly like to start her own business or return to school to finish her master’s but she knows that it would make things so difficult in an already chaotic life.
She walks on egg shells when he’s putting everything at risk for another “big deal.” She spends a ridiculous amount of money on a pair of shoes and feels guilty that her lifestyle doesn’t make her feel as happy or grateful as she thinks she should be. And unless she has a trusted friend who is either in the same boat or can handle the context without thinking she’s spoiled beyond belief, most of this never gets shared because everyone thinks she “has it made.” How could she possibly complain about anything?
I don’t go into that kind of detail in cocktail party discussions. Unless you’ve lived it, it does sound like a manufactured set of issues. I mean honestly, who would call those real problems?
I would. Because I’ve lived them. Until a woman and her partner really look at the enormous and sometimes toxic energy of money and power, until they can stay grounded when everyone around them is manipulating them with flattery, and until they find their way in the midst of an unbelievable number of choices, it can be overwhelming to live a normal life or enjoy a great relationship.
But when it’s handled with grace and clarity, a woman can utilize these privileges to create some real momentum in her own vision of what life can be. She doesn’t have to follow anyone else’s idea of what she should do to change the world. Good fortune can be carefully considered and enjoyed in a way that leaves a legacy of style and purpose that is uniquely her own. That’s where I come in. I walk with her until she can find her own path.
by Carol on April 27, 2008
Randi and Steve spent the next session discussing three critical issues in their lives.
1. They’d become dependent on outside sources to tell them how to live - the media, the slick marketing of businesses catering to status conscious individuals, and a life too full of distractions to realize that it had been a long time since they’d stopped and discussed where they were going in their lives.
2. Their communication skills hadn’t kept up with the increasing complexity of their lives. When Randi and Steve first married, their life together was much simpler than it is today. They’d accepted all sorts of changes without really discussing them - more possessions that had to be maintained and managed, a busier travel schedule, and other choices and options that money created which might have had a smaller return on human investment than they realized.
3. For Randi, the biggest issue is that she had always been taught to be agreeable to others, although when she felt the weight of that burden, Steve would be the first to tell you that she was anything but agreeable.
With good support and not a small amount of humor, Randi challenged the opinion she carried which said that, unless she was making everyone else happy by saying “yes” all the time, she was not as nice as she should be.
Randi spent the next few months reframing her reactions of guilt and fear to arrive at a place where she could confidently and calmly say “no.” It took time for her to get to that place in the moment, but after some successful experiences, the momentum carried her forward.
The real treat was seeing Randi get excited as she developed her own identity and life plan to where she had good reasons to create boundaries around what she would and wouldn’t do for others. Once she had a clear idea of who she was and what she wanted to explore and express in her own life, her choices became more consistent. It was only a matter of time before she and Steve were able to become more aware of what they expected from one another. When that occurred, the resentment and misunderstandings between them shifted into a more intimate, more honest relationship.
by Carol on April 27, 2008
Randi and her husband Steve had never discussed how much was enough when it came to money and lifestyle. Although it was in Steve’s personality to intensely pursue success in his career, he admitted that one of the bigger “drivers” in his ambition was the necessity of keeping his income high to pay for the lavish lifestyle they had chosen to live, although their lifestyle choices weren’t very conscious ones.
Randi also had difficulty believing she had much choice in whether she spent her days responding to the mundane chores in their lives. But she began to realize that, unless she made the effort to understand what she wanted to do instead, she couldn’t very well expect Steve to figure it out for her.
But most importantly, Randi had to reframe what it meant to say “no”. To her, it meant creating a conflict. Getting angry was the only way she knew how to energize herself to take the risk of denying someone their request. Instead, she had to learn how to believe she had the right to say no calmly and graciously, without needing the approval of the other person.
Day Three
by Carol on April 27, 2008
(Carol’s note: The information in this post has been generalized and names have been changed.)
Randi started our first conversation by saying she wished she had more time in the day. She was disorganized, she told me. She couldn’t say no when asked to participate in various organizations. But she reported that the biggest issue in her time management struggle was how her husband expected her to take care of everything in their lives that didn’t have to do with his career. Some of her duties were even attached to his career - for example, every year she organized several fund raiser or corporate events for which her husband received kudos and thanks.
“He actually thinks I play tennis all day,” she told me. “I’m running around like a madwoman trying to keep this ridiculously complicated life in order, and he’ll come home and say, ‘Did you actually do anything today?’
Randi struggles with a problem that is common in many relationships. Recently a study by the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research shows that women still lead men in domestic duties, and the discrepancy becomes worse when children are in the household.
But in a high achieving marriage, that discrepancy is fueled by an often-unspoken assumption by both parties that, because he is bringing in a substantial income and she may not have to work, her personal agenda (which might include a paid job) plays second to her duties of being part of his “support staff.” This is the way he has it set up at work and it often defaults to his role at home. At work, he rarely engages in activities such as faxing a document or ordering in lunch for a meeting. His duties are clearly delineated from the support duties that another paid employee performs. But this isn’t a clear-cut decision between Randi and her husband when it comes to who performs what role at home. That’s where the confusion comes in.
“I wish I had all the time she does during the day,” her husband told me during a conversation. “She can do whatever she wants. She has no idea what kind of pressure I deal with on a daily basis in my career.” Clearly, both parties needed to come together for a reality check on what they felt was an uneven workload in their lives.
Day Two
When people ask me what I do, I have to pause and consider how much time we have to talk about it. Typically, after I give them the short answer - I consult with women who are in relationships with high achievers - their eyes widen and they lean forward, staring intently as if my face had just broken out in stripes or polka dots. “Really?” they ask incredulously. “Give me an example…”
